Eviction Notice
Residents Jordan F. and Chris L. at a resident graduation in Vincent Massey Park (left to right)
Did I enjoy suffering? It was an illusion that I thought I enjoyed suffering. But the truth of it was I was just surviving, with the goal of appeasing the devil inside me. I once enjoyed drugs and the rush, but after so long it festers all the good until it rots fading from existence. It is truly a great horror when I started believing I’m destined for chaos, and that I belong in this theatre of war. The characters are set, the script is determined, lines are set in stone, and I am the puppet, yet who is this master pulling the strings.
To think that I enjoy chaos and to feel suffering is better than feeling nothing at all. Having no choice is a tragedy. I think I am a master manipulator, thief, cheat, worthless, and helpless. Inside every now and then down to the core I know is not true, but I don’t have any way to control these feelings. The comfort I get from dope no longer comforts me. I am lost and go down a deeper darker path. I can’t draw light for when I need it, so I continue walking that dark path into the abyss. Faith is thought to be a fool’s hope.
Being asked if I’m okay and I answer with a yes, I am great but inside the gears start turning as I realize I’m not okay and curse you for bringing up these foreseeable emotions with questions I’m inadequate to process. When I hear the four-letter word Hope I see and hear Joke. Who is this crude jester? My mind, body, and feelings are imprisoned, the key sinking in the abyss of my active addiction. I look in the mirror and I hate who is looking back so much yet I accept myself as is in this war of attrition. Yet with all this it still doesn’t spark a want to change. Makes me wonder what will be enough to make me change.
30 years on this earth and I have amounted to nothing. I’ve set myself back immensely. No matter how fast and far I run it catches up to me. Being tricked that the devil is a good companion to listen, and follow is part of my insanity. On the same note to have a companion is better than not having one at all, yet another illusion. I project my insecurities on other people and curse when people try to help. I want to stay in a daze with the illusion I don’t have feelings. I’ve always wanted what I haven’t had minus the work involved to acquire it.
Spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally I am malnourished. I need answers but I dare not ask the questions because I fear the answers.
One day a notice shows up at my house of suffering.
EVICTION NOTICE
You are exiled from the house of fear forever. You have squandered the monthly rent of Guilt, Fear, Shame, and Self-Deprecation. You have adamantly refused to worry about your part in this play. People are shouting in the street “There goes the neighborhood.” Your freedom from fear is dangerous and a mirage. Real estate values have dropped immensely. Why do you now doubt slavery, your role was set in stone. A curse on you and all misplaced lovers of freedom.
Who is this individual standing with the sheriff handing me my eviction notice? It was me!
Jordan F.
Discipleship House Resident
